Loving Ourselves into Evolution
A few weeks into the New Year! Whew, how’s it going everyone?
I know some of you are doing dry January, reenergized into working to establish new healthy habits, setting new goals, finding new jobs, working through tough relationships, and/or choosing yourself this year, amongst other things. Whatever it is… how do we make sure we continue this healthy evolution?
Our inner critics are fueled by shame, mistakes we’ve made, guilt, criticism, roadblocks, imperfection, societal expectations, negative core beliefs, hurtful words from others’ in the past…
We get hooked by our (or others’) thoughts and emotions sometimes, and this can cause self sabotage, overthinking, feelings of defeat, and back tracking on your goals/values…
So we need a bit of a game plan to continue our growth and evolution:
Be realistic- You’re typically trying to go from 0-100% (to form a healthy habit) or 100-0% (to leave a negative habit), and oftentimes that isn’t ideal. To go from one extreme to the other is not usually realistic, so set expectations that realistically you can actually hit. Maybe let’s go from 0 to 20% or 10 to 30% and build off that gradually. Some people can embrace a huge challenge and find it easier to go 0-100% or from 100-0%, but the majority of people are not that way. Listen to what feels realistic for you.
Accept that it won’t be perfect (but don’t aim for that to be the norm) - I talked about “messy growth,” with a client last week, and it’s true. Growth is messy. It usually won’t be perfect. When you’re first setting new habits, trying a new schedule, setting clear boundaries, etc understand that there will be times where you mess up. Even if your goal is to go to the gym 2X a week…and you only go 1X… 1X is better than 0 okay hahah! Same with trying to drink enough water or eat enough food or stop smoking or stop getting entangled with ex. There will often be good days and not so good days at first. Black and white thinking so commonly keeps people self sabotaging. This doesn’t need to be you. Keep moving forward and try again for a better result next week :)
Give yourself some grace, rest, play, and compassion- Just like in the picture…we simply cannot (in a healthy way) shame ourselves into change. We can only love ourselves into evolution. We won’t be perfect. We might mess up. We may be scared at times. We may get tired. We may cry. We may get annoyed or angry. Our inner child may be nervous. We may not know what is to come. Our inner critic may get loud. This is part of being human. Hold all of these Parts of you close. Tell them you love them (or at least want to learn to care for them one day). The more you allow yourself grace, moments of rest and moments of play, the easier new habits/directions often become because the more likely you will be to continue trying. Growth is hard work!
Remind yourself that thoughts are simply thoughts…not necessarily reality or truth…we can choose to listen to them or not. We can choose to pause and investigate the thought. Is there evidence for it? If yes, can I do something realistic about it right now (feel or act)? If no, what am I holding onto/what inner story is this perpetuating? Here is the skill and worksheet on Socratic Questioning to see if your thoughts have any evidence to begin with. Here is the Leaves on the Stream guided meditation to help practice the skill of cognitive delusion, if you find yourself getting hooked. Here is also the skill and worksheet on Wise Mind to help balance between your emotional and logical minds.
Allow curiosity-It’s okay to check in with yourself after awhile to ask if what you are working towards is still what you want. Maybe you need to switch it up? Maybe a new strategy? Check in with your values to see if the goals and habits you are developing are still aligned with you.
At the end of the day, failing isn’t what keeps up stuck…it’s not trying again OR not accepting a new, more aligned path, that does. If I thought it was over every time I failed…well I wouldn’t be here typing all this to you guys. It’s scary, but you deserve to grow and evolve!
You got this guys!